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As i write this message, i feel a sense of pending optimism. something along the lines of a higher power pushing me through to the next day. unfamiliarity within my days. with in my routine. all i can really say is, it all feels foreign. because it is. but it is just the beginning. to let god do more of the work in my earlier days. to allow a sense of compassion to flow through me into this new stage of living. compassion for my mental state. my physical condition. daily practice. my spiritual condition will prosper. and that i know. because ive been there before. ive reaped the rewards of maintaining a healthy spiritual connection in my recent past. with grace i desire to get back to a familiar place.
To recognize all ive accomplished in my experience living in California. the connections ive made. the growth ive made. the cycles ive made it out of. the lessons ive learned. something intrinsic of the experience was the inner peace that was granted to me, each time i recalled a piece of myself along the way. whether through spiritual connections. brotherhoods. intimate relationships. all the above. ive recollected a piece of myself along each experience. and for that, i am grateful. for that i find peace with in the changes. and security that it will all turn out just fine, by the grace of god.
I made the decision to fly. to embark on a new journey. on a new way of life. not knowing what to expect, i have faith i will find my way. everything ive learned leading up to this flight has been preparation to embark on a spiritual experience here in Colombia. although it feels foreign. although there are initial fears present. i hold faith in my heart. the fears will subside as the sun continues to shine anew. looking at this journey as a long haul for spiritual connection and growth rather than anything else, my higher power will take care of the rest. despite the fears i am excited for this new journey.
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For someone like me who has been chasing a goal for so long, any type of goal, something that fires me up… it’s hard to say ive been living without much of a goal in mind since i moved out here to Colombia. well, it was more when i got discharged from the hospital this winter. my only goal has been to get well. rediscover who i am for a moment in time. to take a step back and recognize that i don’t need to be chasing ambitious goals all the time. there is power to know that if i can step back and live present and comfortable in my own skin, that is growth too.
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One step at a time, i discover meaning within my day to day. less intensity as if i am creating a base. rooting rather than sprouting for the time being. and that is okay too. sometimes the prettiest flowers take the most time rooting before they sprout into the beauty that they are.
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I do recognize there is a sense of shame for slowing down the process. for some reason i feel a sense of lack as if i should be doing more. but living in a new country is enough of a challenge. the language barrier is bigger than i thought. practicing the language is enough of a purpose to continue my journey here. learn to communicate well in Spanish as i build a life out here. its a blessing to have this opportunity without many responsibilities to worry about and simply the space and time to heal and work on my self.
I guess all it really takes is courage. courage and a sense of hope that things will turn out okay. that i will make friends. that i will find a rhythm. a routine. it may take time but i have hope that it will all align on Gods time. and when my heart starts rushing and i get inpatient, i just remind myself that change takes time. i am capable of this. i can start new here. i will.